Men and Feminism

Erin and I have been talking a little lately about whether or not men can be feminists. I am pretty conflicted about this, not because I think that most men that identify as feminists actually are (frequently, the ones I meet definitely are NOT), but because I do think that there are male feminists (however few there may be) and because of my frustrations with the label “Pro-Feminist” that many men use.

First things first: Men Who Think they are Feminist but Really Aren’t:
I don’t think this idea is new to anyone who subscribes to the brand of feminism that I do. Of course, there’s the casual identification (i.e. “Hey, I’m a feminist. I love women!”). I take this about as seriously as people who want to debate pornography and use the word “research” to mean “masturbate to pornography.” News flash: that’s not what I mean when I say research, asshole.

Then there are men who really believe they are feminist, but make comments that demean women, or that subtly betray an anti-woman bias. I’m having a hard time of thinking of examples, but generally this amounts to a superficial kind of feminism. For example, someone who would never say that they discriminate against women, but then comment about a woman’s appearance in a discussion of her character. This doesn’t just mean saying someone is hot or attractive or sexy, but also, when talking about someone they don’t like or agree with, say something about her weight, makeup, perceived lack of attractiveness, etc. These descriptions don’t usually accompany retellings of disagreements with man (although I suppose they can). Also someone who tells you that they took offense to a misogynist joke being passed around the workplace, gym, etc, but when pressed, admit that he didn’t actually SAY anything about the joke being offensive. This can show an ideological commitment to feminism, but a failure to actually put one’s ass on the line. Thanks but no thanks.

2. Genuine Male Feminists
Without doing tons of research just for a blog post (I have a lot of homework that I’m putting off right now) I can name one person that I think, without a doubt, is worthy and deserving the title “Feminist” without any caveats about the fact that he’s a man. John Fucking Stoltenberg. This man is absolutely, positively feminist. He has really done a lot to divest himself of male privilege (which seems to be done by lecturing about and writing extremely controversial feminist books that actively oppose masculinity and male dominance in a deep, meaningful way). It also seems to me that he has paid dearly for it (though I’m not sure he would see it that way). His relationship with Andrea Dworkin is inspiring, and his support of and loyalty to her mission is really important. I’m not sure if he identifies as Feminist or Pro-Feminist, but either way I have no reservations calling him a feminist. His books, “Refusing to Be a Man” and “The End of Manhood” are must-reads.

3. Pro-Feminist vs Feminist
I am a little nervous about men who identify as pro-feminist because it seems that, rather than a nod to women’s specialized knowledge of patriarchy and male dominance, it functions as a way of distancing oneself from the feminist movement. “Pro-Feminist” seems to be both an association with a movement and a dissociation from the movement (on the grounds that “feminist” is not always a positive term). So if I’m pro-feminist and not feminist, i’m saying that I support their main ideas but don’t necessarily participate in the movement. I know that some people don’t view the term this way, but I’ve always been a little uneasy about that identification. I think some of this also comes from the women I’ve met who identify as pro-feminist or who agree with feminism but avoid using the term feminist.

I think that prizing women’s place in the movement is positive and important, but at the same time, there are many women who identify as feminist whose ideals think make them pretty un-feminist. “Feminists for Life” for example, “Sex-Positive” and “Pro-Pornography” feminists as well. While many feminists disagree with their stance, we don’t take issue with the use of the word “feminist” in the same way that we take issue with it in men. That is, when I say that “Feminists for Life” isn’t particularly feminist, I’m not saying that they can’t be feminist because they lack certain experiential knowledge that is required for that identification. I’m saying that because their arguments and beliefs don’t align with important feminist values, they can’t be properly understood as feminist.

I have run out of things to say about this. In short, I don’t think it’s fair to restrict the word “feminist” to women, but I don’t think that where we are right now warrants the word being applied to more than a handful of men.

Porn Conference

I will be in Boston for a conference March 22 – 27 (the conference is just from the 23 – 25). It’s called Pornography and Pop Culture: Reframing Theory, Re-thinking Activism, and one of my old professors from UD will be there as well. I’m not presenting or anything, I just thought it would be really interesting to go. Also, they are work-shopping a new pornography education slideshow – and everyone will receive a copy of the slideshow and the script that goes with it so they can be pornography educators in their communities.

Here’s some general information about the conference, and here is an agenda.

It’s also free if anyone else wants to go – and it looks like they provide housing if you need it.

I’m really excited to go, both because I think the conference will be really interesting and I get to stay with one of my close friends and see Boston again. Although, if I’m to be completely honest, I have a lot of anxiety about going back to Boston. I miss it so much, and it’s constantly on my mind, but some really awful things happened there, too. And being back in the apartment I lived in and back in the neighborhood is likely to be a little upsetting. And I know it will make being in Lansing so much worse and even less tolerable.

Though the conference is a ways off yet, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and am very excited about it – and of course I’m sure I’ll have a ton of things to talk about afterwards.

ALSO I made my spring break plans – 3 days in Kansas City (I WILL be seeing Kara this time) and 5 days in NYC with my brother. And while I’m there I might get to see Tom Stoppard’s Coast of Utopia – but that’s still up in the air. I really really really hope it works out, though.

EDIT: Just as a note of things to come – I’m trying to put together some thoughts on standpoint theory. But that’s been kind of difficult, as I’m never really sure what to say about it. But in any case, I haven’t forgotten about this blog. I’m just thinking a lot.

new project

The other day I was sitting in the grad lounge at school using the computer and there was a travel mug of coffee or something sitting next to the computer. A grad student had just left, and he came back in for his coffee mug. I was sitting at the computer and I felt very bad for not having tracked him down and returned his mug. So as he reached for his mug I said “I’m sorry.” After he walked out it struck me as absolutely ridiculous that I apologized for this – and since then I’ve decided to keep an apology journal. Actually, it’ll be more of a list – I just want to keep track of how often I apologize and the kinds of things I apologize for.

unrelated apology story:
My senior year I had grant money to study with a brilliant professor in Baltimore for 2 weeks. I was very intimidated by the whole situation, and as a result I acted like an awkward moron for the entire 2 weeks. He told me a number of times that I apologize too much and that I should stop apologizing (and I, of course, would respond by apologizing and then feel like an idiot). One night I had to call him and leave a message about changing the time of our meeting the next day. Halfway through the message I apologized for something – probably for not being able to meet with him at the scheduled time – and something came over me – and I thought it would be really funny to cut own apology off by shouting “NO. STOP APOLOGIZING! I’M DONE APOLOGIZING!” After I shouted this I immediately hung up the phone. After that, I realized that the message I had left sounded COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE. I was so embarrassed that I thought about calling back and trying to figure out his voicemail code so I could delete the message. The next day I was horrified to see him, but thankfully he didn’t say anything like “good god you’re a lunatic.” I would not be surprised if that voicemail was forwarded to a few people. I am still embarrassed by this. However, after all that, it’s still only the 2nd most embarrassing voicemail of my life. The 1st involves me whispering my fears of alien abduction into an answering machine for a daytime television talk show.

I’ve been trying to reckon with my family’s history of depression lately. It’s been catching up to me lately, and I’ve been searching for strategies to deal with it. I suppose there is some back-story, though not too much, because as I’ve said, I don’t want too much explicitly personal information on here unless it’s serving another purpose.

I moved to Lansing in August from Boston. My last couple of months in Boston were both trying and wonderful. I was terrified of moving here and extremely sad to leave Boston. Since I’ve been here, I’ve not really been able to make any close friends. I’ve made casual friends, but I don’t have anyone here I can confide in. As the depression has gotten worse, I’ve become increasingly isolated and it’s become even more difficult to make friends. Last semester my doctor back home prescribed some antidepressants. I tried them, and had a severe reaction to them. Since then he’s prescribed a new kind, but I’ve been reluctant to take them.

Anyone who has dealt with depression or other psychological conditions knows that the decision to medicate is fraught. Personally, I’ve gone through a number of different phases of resistance. The depression itself seems to add to the reluctance – there is a feeling of hopelessness that makes the medicine seem irrelevant. But beyond that, I had deep reservations about whether or not I even had a problem that warranted medication. While I knew that I needed to do something, the thought of taking a pill seemed like an admission of failure (and made me feel even worse about myself). Additionally, when trying to talk to people about what I was going through, I was constantly told that these things are normal, and adjusting to a new place is difficult. I don’t deny that the move has been hard on me, but it’s apparent to me, at least at this point, that the severity of my depression has to be coming from something else.

One thing I find very interesting though is that feminists are generally very accepting, or at the very least understanding, about the vast majority of situations what women find themselves in and try to navigate. Mental and emotional disorders, however, and the decision to medicate them, has almost always been met with hostility. Which has also added to my reluctance to take them. I’m not just talking about a disagreement. Every time I’ve been in a feminist theory class or women’s group, if depression and medication is brought up, it is always met with hostility and pejorative comments about the use of antidepressants and anti-psychotics. I find this profoundly disappointing.

This blog will be mainly for thoughts and reactions to material I’m currently studying in graduate school. I’ll probably also end up reflecting on other issues that are floating through my life. However, this is not intended to be a journal – I have a livejournal for talking about my day-to-day life and my friends and pictures and all that fun stuff, so if that’s what you’re interested in you should head over there.
I’m working on my PhD in Philosophy. My main interest is in Feminist Theory, and I focus more broadly on Social and Political Philosophy. This is all I have to say, I’ll post later with a description of my classes.